sent NHA off to beta. am sick of sitting on the fic, so will look at it again once beta-person sends it back, rewrite it some, and then submit to various archives. ugh. hoping to hear back from beta soon, at least as to whether or not s/he still wants to beta for me (s/he dropped me an email about a week ago and i didn't respond until today).

next up: Armchair Secret Santa fic to write. have got plotbunnies for it, finally.

mood: frustrated
music: R-E-S-P-E-C-T (aretha franklin)

in order to preserve my sanity, my grades, my conscience (guilt-stricken), and my sense of self-worth (goes down the tubes every time i realize just how little self-discipline i have), i need to adhere to the following resolutions:

1. no reading fanfic on weekdays. period. whether they're at archives, LJs, saved onto my laptop, submitted to a y!group, etc.
2. no reading fandom listserv emails on weekdays.
3. no lj-crawling on weekdays.
4. no Lair updates on weekdays.
EDIT @ 2:37 A.M. PST 12.13.02:
5. no drooling over fanart on weekdays. /EDIT

the only exceptions are:

1. if someone i'm betaing for desperately needs a fic returned to them ASAP
2. i have, by some miracle, finished every obligation i have for the day (hw, debate, jcl, etc.)

i may, on the other hand:

1. work on my fics.
2. beta. for a half-hour at most per day.
3. review one moment/chapter of any part of the ItW sequence per day.*
EDIT @ 2:37 A.M. PST 12.13.02:
4. read my friends page on LJ. /EDIT

let's see how long i can hold to these. i will hold to these resolutions, i will, i will, i will, i will ::attempts to drill this into her head::. wish me luck!

::would do almost anything for an LJ code at the moment.::
::makes public announcement: will write any-pairing hp fic for anyone willing to give me an LJ code! for that matter, will give head to anyone willing to give me an LJ code! or will provide translations for latin stuff!::**

-----------------

* :shrugs: i love ItW and i owe major feedback for it, including the latest chapter of PTG, more than half of BR, and all of C&A.
** will write slash, femmeslash, het, or gen or any combination. you'll have to provide me with a scenario, though.

mood: puzzled beyond belief*
music: Hold On (Sarah McLachlan)

*i'm working on webassign. ::facepalms::

resolution: this weekend, i will finish the '100 things' meme that's being going around the fandom. find it quite amusing and a brainless way to spend an hour, after bludgeoning myself this week with a multi book and a physics book.

also. will figure out how to procure the following:

1. 'draco's bitch' sweatshirt
2. sweatshirt that says 'Fucking Slytherin existentialist' on it.*

*it's from Slowly, but Exceeding Fine. Snape/Sirius, NC-17:

snape: can any two people do more than use each other?
sirius: Fucking Slytherin existentialist.

::waves 'Fucking Slytherin existentialist' (FSE) banner::

mood: i need a blanket
music: Nickelback

warning: this post is full of ranting, spoilt middle-class brat bitching. has no redeeming value to it whatsoever except as a vent. pls don't read if you don't feel like being a recipient of much whining.

i figured it was best to get this all outta my system while before i get home, so i can concentrate on multivariate and physics when i'm locked up in my room. currently at school waiting to get picked up by mum, as cannot drive on own yet. hmm. don't actually feel like ranting at the moment, really. hmm.

::sigh::

i need a blanket. i've been cold all day today - waking up in my icebox room, during classes, everywhere. the heating in my house is terrible, and my bedroom is the coldest room in the house (excepting the garage). my mum doesn't turn on the heater often, so during the winter the house temperature is generally below 60 (degrees Farenheit). prolly around or below 50, actually. lower the temperature another 5 degrees, and you have my bedroom. bloody cold in there, even when i'm wearing long pants, longsleeve shirt, jacket, and socks. icebox.

i heard that harvard early action decisions are coming back tomorrow. DOOM. DOOOOOOM. i thought that they arrived next week - their website doesn't give a specific date, it only says that early action will be released 'mid-December' and that decisions are available by phone on Dec. 20. so i was thinking that i'd be safe until a week from tomorrow, but other early app people have said that we get e-mails of doom tomorrow. :cross fingers: really really really hope i don't get rejected - i'd never set foot out of the house again until i actually left for college if i got rejected from harvard. parents would go ballistic and say that my intensely active social life (read: none), debate (read: happiness), etc. have been interfering with my ability to study and so my grades are terrible this year (read: B's in Multivariate calc, AP physics C, and AP english lit) and that's why i didn't get into harvard and i ruined the last 3 years of hard work in just one semester of senior year and i'd be locked up in the house to study for the rest of senior year. which would most likely result in intense mental trauma of some sort (at the very least), strained relations with parents (likely), or bloodstains on the carpet (pretty damn likely).

parents. now, there's a subject to bitch on. except that i'm afraid they might see this somehow. i should move this post to a different blog. :shrug: oh wells. they're never satisfied. the 'rents, that is. i. can. never. do. enough. i ran a successful 300+ person convention (note: prior to this fall, i had the experience of a slug when it came to organizing social events. the biggest thing i put together was an 8-person sleepover in 8th grade.) in the fall, i gave up my lunch period first semester so i could take the classes i wanted to and work on Ludi (the aforementioned convention) more efficiently, i'm pulling A's or A+'s in my other three classes, we're doing alright on the debate front (although that's more due to my loffly partner than me), and IT'S NEVER ENOUGH. parents are NEVER SATISFIED. it's always 'your grades are falling! you're failing 3 classes! you're going to completely destroy all your chances at getting into a good college because of your grades in physics, multi, and english! maybe you should do less! you're going to destroy the last three years of hard work in this one semester!' after Ludi, I came home and crashed. my parents said, 'oh, good, you can do all your homework tomorrow now that Ludi's done, right?' (Ludi was a Saturday; hence, i had Sunday to work on the weekend's hw.) i'd stayed up until 4:30 A.M. the night/morning before ludi working on putting certamen rounds together, i'd been at school from 8:00 A.M. to 7:30 P.M. running a convention, and i was e-x-h-a-u-s-t-e-d. ARGH. lovely thing to say, 'make sure to do your hw tomorrow!' isn't it?

and then there's the whole 'oooh...your grades are falling. CUT DOWN YOUR DEBATE TOURNAMENTS.' deal. and the 'YOU NEED TO SOCIALIZE' deal. my parents think that i'm an introverted social recluse with the social abilities of cytoplasm. that's true. however, i like it that way. i do not like being constantly told that i need 'more friends' who 'live close by who you can see all the time, like **********' * i have a few friends, but they're good friends whom i loff dearly. and although i may not have mobs of people to hang out with (perish the thought!), there are still folks whom i talk to now and then. what's the big deal about having oodles of friends, anyways? I don't like socializing, i don't like being tossed into social situations, and i'm fine with the wonderful comrades i have now. more than fine, actually. i see no need for this 'you need to socialize! you need friends, besides******!!!' * crap i keep hearing. my parents say that they're really introverted people at heart. fine. if that's true, then they should understand that I am an introverted all the way through, from the exterior to the interior of my being, and that I DON'T APPRECIATE THE SHIT THEY KEEP TELLING ME.

[not done yet, but it's time to go home. Segment II of the Rant-a-Thon should come soon.]

*name replaced by arbitrary number of asterisks

mood: freezing cold. it's SO (significant other) weather.
music: On My Own (Les Miz)

heh. ran across a perfect image for alex on the net, given the way he teases me about slash being nc-17 gay porn: Chained!Draco. it's fanart done for Rhysenn's fic Chained, and features bondage!Draco. interesting enough, given that the fic isn't really about bondage. haven't read it in a while though, so maybe i'm misremembering it. restraints aside, it's not a graphic image.

mood: the less said, the better
music: old BSB

had a conversation with alex yesterday, and once i started thinking about it, i couldn't stop. it was roughly along the lines of 'alex, is there anything you don't like about yourself?' 'yeah.' 'like...?' and now i started thinking about what i dislike about myself. so...

1. i hate how my nose is peeling and it won't stop
2. i hate how i can't lose any weight
3. i hate how i've tossed friendships down the drain and don't have a clue how to fix them. [although i'm more resigned to this than anything.]
4. i hate how i have no self-discipline
5. i hate that i don't know how to treat people (nicely, politely, considerately, at all, etc.)
6. i hate the skin problems on my arms and face that took up residence when i was a little kid and haven't left yet
7. i hate the way i fear my parents and can't stand up to them
8. i hate the way i let old friendships drift apart
9. i hate how much i procrastinate, and never learn from it

whee...off to do physics now.

EDIT @ 8:42 P.M. PST 12.11.02:

people and things i love (besides hp): star, who rocks my socks and is an all-around angel. :hug: and yes, there are other people/things i love besides hp and meggie, but i don't feel like listing them...afraid i'll leave something/one out. and star really is an angel :)

EDIT @ 10:33 P.M. PST 12.11.02:

brain also rocks my socks...although not an angel (i don't think angels are allowed to be lazy, and brain's creed is Laziness, so he is not an angel), he's another one of those wonderful folks. *g*

mood: irritated
music: Miss Saigon (::kneels in reverence to Boublil and Schonberg::)

Hey Jealousy - Gin Blossoms. feels appropriate enough to my general sense of being.

Well tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
Anyway I've got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

You can trust me not to think
And not to sleep around
And if you don't expect to much from me
You might not be let down

'Cause all I really want is to be with you
Feeling like I matter too
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I might be here with you

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

Well tell me do you think it'd be alright
If I could just crash here tonight
You can see I'm in no shape for driving
And anyway I've got no place to go

And you know it might not be that bad
You were the best I'd ever had
If I hadn't blown the whole thing years ago
I may not be alone

Tomorrow we can drive around this town
And let the cops chase us around
The past is gone but something might be found to take its place
Hey Jealousy
Hey Jealousy

You know she took my heart
Well there's only one thing I couldn't start

he knows me too well...

cat: i've got a crick in my neck
alex: a crick?
cat: like when your neck hurts...when i study at my desk my head leans in one position
cat: it's too damn heavy
alex: so cut it off :-)
cat: hey, that's my line!
alex: i'm just telling you what you want to hear :-D

mood: temporarily happy
music: Drive Myself Crazy (BSB)

talked to an old friend today. was rather nice, comforting, and amusing in some respects - we're both Anglophiles, it would appear. old obsessions with Redwall and now HP. old memories stretch back and create ties that newer friendships, no matter how strong they are, don't have - memories of running around climbing trees, chattering about Redwall, attempting to poison john, getting out of swim sets, scones with twice as much flour as the recipe called for...stuff i'd almost forgotten. and yet, when i remember them, they bring up smiles. especially nice at this moment, due to shittiness of other stuff in life and realization that, once again, i chucked a friendship down the drain quite a few months ago. not sure if i regret it or not.

www.playmash.com:

You will live in Shack.
You will drive a navy blue mustang.
You will marry alex and have 1 kids.
You will be a fanfic writer in brighton.

i rather like the mustang, having only one brat (adopted), fanfic writer, and brighton (brighton, England). hmm. there was one about living in a mansion with tom felton, a black porsche, 0 brats, in london.

going shopping for WB dress tomorrow (decided to nix the silvery green one...perhaps i can still find one that's slytherin colours? or maybe Ravenclaw. definitely not hufflepuff or Gryffindor.).

mood: happy
music: Castles in the Sky

just realized that winter ball dress is silvery green. SLYTHERIN COLOURS!

now, only have to figure out what on earth to do with hair...aside from the usual styling non-issues (prolly tie it up or leave it down), there's the 'what colour should my streaks be?' issue, this time. the current highlight-orange is yucky, red would look like a christmas tree (there's a reason Slytherin and Gryffindor are rivals...their House colours clash madly), going all black is not an option.

7th of December

You'll be spending tomorrow with someone else
                        your remaining nights with almost everyone else.
Tell me, do you remember what happened?
Does it matter?
Did you know whose body was yours
     for an hour, maybe two (at most)?

mood: angry
music: the sound of fists repeatedly hitting walls

completely hacked off. will explain later, as is 1:20 A.M. now and have loads of multi to do.

kentucky: 5:1 in prelims, byed past doubles, dropped 2:1 in octas to Buffalo Grove HT. Props to alex for...4th speaker, i think. (correct me if i'm wrong)

wrote some poetry on the plane trip back. will post tomorrow or so. needs feedback like mad.

decided i needed to kill my fandom life, so took myself out of veela-inc and the PSA's yahoo!groups. :teardrop:

panicky because NO plotbunnies are coming to me re: Armchair Secret Santa fic i have to write.