a conversation with mi beloved board president...

kev: i'll ttyl k?
me: sure
me: EMIAL ME
me: KEEP ME SANE
kev: you never were SANE, so you can't say KEEP

and he wonders why im a rebellious officer...when he keeps taking potshots at me ;-).

wow...i think i've officially scared not only mi entire aff lab, but some of the other people in camp, as well. particularly these two dorks who were sitting across from me during the cross-ex skills workshop tonight. and if i havent scared them, they prolly dont like me. ::rolls eyes::

hey! you in the peanut gallery! yeah, you, the one shouting, 'but how could you NOT scare them? you're so fearsome, especially in appearance!' shut up, O invenuste ;-).

::in a good mood.:: <-- i think that it was from the accidental nap i took during kevin's deleuze lecture :-(. it was really cool stuff...i was just incredibly tired. maybe i can ask him more about deleuze later?

yeesh. i'm writing on mi blog more now than i did while i was at home. i'm writing on it more frequently now than i ever have before, except possibly during the school year. i wrote a lot then, but i might be writing more now. when i'm having trouble or feeling strong emotions and i want to get away from wherever i am, i tend to post here more often.

ykno i havent seriously worried about mi health/sanity except for a long time during 8th grade. im not worried now, despite mi pleas for people to keep me sane, but what im wondering about now is mi stability...wondering if im going to spiral downwards. nothing happens when i hit a downward slide, except that i feel horrible/emotional/down/grouchy/gloomy/suspicious/sad/beyond irritable/extremely melancholy, and i'm not very nice to the people around me (to put it mildly).

today's song of the day: Hero, by Nickelback

I am so high, I can hear heaven
I am so high, I can hear heaven
Whoa, but heaven...no, heaven don't hear me

And they say
That a hero could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away

Someone told me
Love would all save us
But, how can that be
Look what love gave us

A world full of killing
And blood spilling
That world never came

And they say
That a hero could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away

Now that the world isn't ending
It's love that I'm sending to you
It isn't the love of a hero
And that's why I fear it won't do

And they say
That a hero could save us
I'm not gonna stand here and wait
I'll hold onto the wings of the eagles
Watch as we all fly away

And they're watching us
They're watching us
As we all fly away

And they're watching us
They're watching us
As we all fly away

And they're watching us
They're watching us
As we all fly away

Now that the world isn't ending
It's love that I'm sending to you
It isn't the love of a hero
And that's why I fear it won't do

is mi love worth anything to you? can people tell when they have it [my love]? it's possible to present a gift (or maybe it's not a gift) to someone who's oblivious of it.

what am i to you? ---
i keep asking...no one responds. i guess that people don't respond to random questions like this that are posted on blogs, buddy info, or AIM away messages. part of the problem, perhaps, is that you don't know who i'm addressing? i spose that could be a problem ::wry grin::. even then, i find that i miself have a tendency to not respond to questions on blogs if i dont feel comfortable answering them. it's easy to put off responding, or to not respond at all. perhaps that is what's happening...or perhaps you're not reading this? that would explain very much why you're not answering mi question. :-P

i just went through mi AIM away msgs, the ones that i've created over the last week since arriving at UT. wow, they sound cheerful. the underlined part is the name/label of the away msg.

UT
join the Keep Cat Sane Consortium and call me at ###-###-#### or email or snailmail or leave a msg, pls. am at UT Austin for debate camp, slowly going insane - my mind's falling apart. call me at ANY time between 830 p.m. PST and 1200 p.m. PST. ::muah:: i miss yalls...love ya. mi foot is all pussy and its gross and not healing...waaaa!!! if anyone wants to send me bandaids and meds, please do ::sniffle::

im mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking

generic
new entry as of 2:57 a.m. central time: astacula.blogspot.com
new entry coming soon. maybe.

call ###-###-####. i need to hear a voice.

thank you so much...i cant begin to tell you what you all have meant to me.

i said i love you and i swear i still do - maybe it ain't true anymore...

feelings - forget when i made this one...
you kno, when it comes to mi feelings, what's as clear as daylight to me is prolly as clear as mud to you ;-). i never was all that great at expressing miself :-P. just tell me, pls...what am i to you?

call ###-###-#### at ANY time after 830 p.m. PST.

im mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking

pissed - created tuesday morning
im gonna crash now. crash and burn in a spectacular fashion.
astacula.blogspot.com 07.02.02
liz-mi angel.
tim leave a msg pls (pls consider mi mental state - not good - before u write one, tho)
meg-mi own personal psychotherapist/guardian angel. love you.

im tired of the same old story. back it up, or stop telling it.

im mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking

blog - created last night/this morning
what am i to you?

tell me the answer, please...

astacula.blogspot.com 07.04.02 and minor revisions to 07.03.02 entries.

###-###-####
liz...call pls ;-)
meg...good luck! :-)

im mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking.
from now on, mi shields are up and the doors are closed. the guard at the gates to mi self is much more wary.

070402 - date of creation should be obvious
for anyone who left a msg today, im sorri but i dinna get it because roomie shut down aim (mi internet/aim access is via her laptop). i hope yalls're doing great ;-)

liz...call me before i break a window pls
meg...dont over-work-out yourself! like...dont become a bodybuilder (>.<). altho that could have some benefits to it...hehe. angel :-)

im mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking
never again...it's off-limits from now on. im a little wiser and im keeping closer watch on has access to mi self.

and there were other AIM away msgs, which i didnt save. wow, judging by mi away msgs, im in great shape...lol

i'm going to finish--or rather, add to--mi 07.03.02 entry, the long one that's based around the Nickelback song. there were sections of the song that i couldn't write about at 1 a.m. i can write about some of them now...or rather, mi need to write and to express mi emotions, to get them outta mi skull, has become large enough for me to write about them...

It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story

it's not like you to say sorry...once i upset one of mi friends. fairly enough, mi friend became upset at me in turn. and then we exchanged words about our altercation, and i thought that mi friend apologized to me. i was very surprised--it's not like mi friend to say sorry, or at least, not sincerely and without conditions (e.g. 'i'm sorry that i hurt your feelings, BUT it isn't MY fault, im just under a lot of stress and you really pissed me off and i just cant take it anymore...' etc.). i was very shocked, and, becoming over-emotional, i accepted mi friend's 'apology' and that was the end of it. but later on...when i sat down and thought about it...i remembered mi friend's exact words...and...they weren't an apology. they were more of a defense of mi friend's behavior, sort of an angry retort against mi accusations of mi friend. it's not like you to say sorry...i did get a different story...the one that i'd expected. apologies are far out of line of mi friend's usual behavior, and what i got was what i'd expected...a disavowal of mi friend's acts and behavior...almost an attempt to shift all the blame on me.

This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking
I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle

i'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking...when i open miself up, which happens infrequently, i hand over mi heart. i hand over some of mi thoughts. i hand over mi weaknesses and give people the knowledge of how to tear me to shreds, more or less. that last part comes with handing over mi heart and mi thoughts, because so much of me opening miself up is in the form of me ranting to a listening ear. and those ears therefore pick up mi faultlines and the knowledge of how to shatter me, if they choose to dig through mi ranting, to analyze it and to look for ways to cripple me. usually i dont go wrong when i allow people into mi self...but sometimes i make errors in judgment. or are they really? people change, friends change, and friendships alter. just because a person may change to become someone you're not friends with doesn't mean that you're wrong for opening up to them when they were someone you could be friends with. the mistake, i spose, is when you keep the doors to your heart, your faultlines, the cracks in your shields against the rest of the world, open to them.

and i've been wrong, i've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle...figuratively speaking i've been to the bottom of mi bottles. when stuff happens some people get drunk, some people throw stuff at the walls, and some people enter states of mindless, angry downward mood spirals. sometimes...i enter a state of blind rage/sadness mixed together, which produces a weird effect where i'm incoherently screaming words and evil thoughts inside of mi head. ive been through plenty of those states...reached the bottom of them as far as im concerned.

and i've definitely been down. 'nuff said about that. anyone who's listened to me rant and pour forth words should know that.

and i've been wrong. so very wrong...as you might have figured out by reading simply this entry, not to mention the rest of mi blog. ive made mistakes...ive hurt mi fair share of people, rather badly in some cases...

This is how you remind me of what I really am

this is how you remind me of what i really am...i already wrote on this line, before, but i figure that i might as well write some more. when you enrage me, when the thought of someone sends me into melancholy, sometimes it reminds me of what i am. mi actions in mi reactions, mi reactions to ppl/events/miself, they sometimes make me wonder what i am, what the heck i'm doing in a funk. and what you do can make me snap out of gloom/madness...make me jerk back and wonder what am i doing, why am i letting you provoke me like this...

on the positive side are the angels who keep me sane and stable...or as stable as im going to be during mi 'stormy, rebellious adolescence' ::cracks up (me? rebellious?)::. they bring me back...back home, in a way, back to mi better self.

i was looking through some stuff and i found an old quote:

at some point a few years ago, i finally figured out that being depressed and enraged all the time made for a really sad and yucky life.

that was me...i wrote that back during april. it applies to me again, and again, and again. it's a lesson that i have to keep re-learning. when did i forget that lesson, that depression and rage trip me into blind-mindless-destroy-something mode? i knew, all the time, that when im depressed and/or furious, mi life becomes a haze of wretched ups and downs. but the important part, which i keep forgetting, is that i need to commit to wrenching miself away from being angry or down and to trying to enjoy life. not to enjoy life in a hedonistic or pleasure-seeking sense, but to take joy in whatever happens, sort of to walk through life with a cheerful attitude and a happy smile. to live with a different mindset, instead of mi usual one, which permits me to slip into a downward mood swing or fury so easily. in fact, mi usual mindframe has rage and pseudo-depression as normal reactions to events, it doesn't just 'permit' them to happen. i need to change...im weary of living in a prison of lightless wrath. but changing takes an incredible amount of effort, and its much easier to make the descent into ire than it is to be joyful when you're not used to it.

at some point a few years ago, i finally figured out that being depressed and enraged all the time made for a really sad and yucky life.

im learning it again...and im remembering the conclusion to that thought/lesson:

it's not enough to stop being depressed and furious, i need to walk with joy and to remember the pleasures of living.

the sight of yellow dandelions in mi lawn
a nice msg from a friend
receiving a letter from a friend via snailmail
talking to friends for hours
listening to miss saigon, les miz, or whatever music
a yummy apple
knowing that your friends are all right
making a difference in somebody's life, helping them in some small or big way
making someone else happy
jamming at the piano/clarinet
arguing/discussing out debate ideas: kritiks, arguments, case turns
driving around in circles w/megs, not caring whether we get where we're going, or when we get there
hot shower
candy!

all things that make me happy...some of them little things, some of them big...but all things that can bring a smile to mi face. i just need to focus more on all the details in life which make me happy and appreciate them, not letting the fact that im pissed off at a person ruin mi mood, mi day, and cause me to be rude and mean to other people.

sweetling...play tag on I-280 please.

horrible entry has been fixed.

ok...so much for that. a-hem. at any rate...since either a) no one reads mi blog anyway (not entirely true, i'm sure some folks do) and/or b) they don't feel like answering questions...and since i like mi current AIM profile and i don't have anymore space on it, i'll just stick in another entry here. but please, answer the posts from 07.01.02.

today's song of the day: How You Remind Me ~ Nickelback

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'
Tired of livin' like a blind man
I'm sick of sight without a sense of feeling

This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking
I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream "are we havin' fun yet?"

It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do
And it must have been so bad
Cause livin' with me must have damn near killed you

This is how you remind me of what I really am
This is how you remind me of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story
This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking
I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle
These five words in my head scream "are we havin' fun yet?"

Never made it as a wise man
I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealin'

This is how you remind me
This is how you remind me of what I really am

It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story

i rather like that song, a lot. in some ways, it's a cruel song - 'this is how you remind me of what i really am' - what cruel words. 'i was waiting on a different story'? ::sigh:: yesh...cruel words, cruel song, but it seems like a reaction to something/someone cruel.

It's not like you didn't know that
I said I love you and I swear I still do

i said i love you and i swear i still do...i said i loved you, once, and look at where we are now, sweetie. you don't know that this page exists, you don't read it, we haven't talked since fall, and i--i can't think about you anymore. it's as if our memories are wrapped away in opaque sealant. when i think of you, it's usually in passing, and i feel no emotion. you're just another person, one who i know, sort of, one of the multitude of faces attached to names. i don't ponder anymore, i don't examine anymore, and i avoid looking at the emails and cards that are from you. i can read the ones from anyone else, almost, but not from you. that will take an exacto blade to the sealant (painstakingly created) and i'll wallow in remembered tears but without crying. i don't weep about you anymore, nor do i lie in bed and stare up at the ceiling with tears slipping into mi hair. i remember when i wrote for you, what it was like. you finally believed me, and i was standing in front of everyone, mi pulse beating hard. i thought that i was going to collapse or choke up, and mi wits left me. you saw that id put mi insides on display for everyone, just for your sake, and all i could ask was, "Do you believe me?" mi wits left me...you were shocked and finally believed.

...those days...

It's not like you to say sorry, I was waiting on a different story

it's not like you to say sorry, i was waiting on a different story...ok...i won't go here. that would be bad for me, for you (a different you than the you who i was writing about above), and...no.

This time I'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking
I've been wrong, I've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle

i'm mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking...who am i talking to now? ::delves into treasure chest of memories:: ykno, this entry must sound really self-centered and as if i'm accusing others of being mean/cruel and completely excusing miself. i don't mean to do so. what i'm doing is this: putting up song lyrics, and then writing about whatever they make me think of. i'm not blaming anyone; im exploring mi memories.

anyways...

im mistaken for handing you a heart worth breaking...::laffs and grins:: mi heart certainly ain't worth taking the trouble to break ::smile::. ok...this is something else i wont talk about yet, because it's not far back into the past enough and some ppl might get upset if i write on this one. and it's a joke, anyhow. don't worry, yalls; i haven't had mi heart broken (until i found out that ::sniffle:: i'll never meet an intelligent/cute/polite/sweet person)

i've been wrong, i've been down, been to the bottom of every bottle...ok. ykno, the more i start writing in this entry, the less im able to write about for fear of offending someone and ... so...yeah...prolly should change the focus/topic of this entry. ::this is the point at which i realize that this entry started to degenerate right after i finished writing about 'i said i love you and i swear i still do.'::

so, time for me to write about something else...

this is how you remind me of what i really am

or not ::not time to write about something else:: what am i, really? am i who you see? am i what i see? i don't even know what i see when i look into a mirror, mental, emotional, or physical. i can't decide what i look like, mi emotions have been leaping from cheerful to i-want-to-go-home-NOW-to-get-away-from-here and back to happy in a matter of hours, and mentally, i'm fried. and what you (this is an unspecified, grandiose 'you') do...i guess that all of you remind me of what i really am in parts. everyone's a mirror, in some ways, and we reflect portions of a person's mental/physical/emotional state back to them through our actions to create an oddly coherent image (partial or complete). and mi mirrors are showing me...that...

um...nm again. sorri. this entry can't have been too coherent a read, and it must have been confusing. mi blog is a place for me to post whatever, but most importantly it's a form of self-expression, and so hence some of mi entries are a little...nonsensical to anyone who (thankfully) doesn't inhabit mi skull.

i had an interesting talk about dependency w/one of mi friends today. how dependent am i? i'm somewhat, i need mi friends badly, but ive always thought of miself as being independent. i'm not, really, but i think that i could survive. but it wouldn't be good, at least not at first, and even later on i'd still have problems if mi supports (i.e. mi angels) were removed.

for something more amusing...mi favorite camp partner (aside from alex, of course. that should go w/o saying, that he's mi absolute favorite camp partner. but he's also mi regular partner and so he doesn't really count as a 'camp partner.') and i were talking about his tendency to check out people...usually girls...

casey: hmm...did i ever check out cathy....
casey: better not say.
me: oh just admit the truth and say no ;-)
casey: haha
casey: you looked cute w/ the teddy bear? =P [[<-- note: that teddy bear is Brownie, not Augustus]]
casey: either that or i was checking out the semi-snoozing john dunn

heehee...alright...i'm out, now. it's 2:43 Austin time and i have to be functional and out of mi room by 8:30 in the morning. love to all mi wonderful friends, thank goodness that we met and became closer. you've meant a lot to me...listened to me rant, helped me mentally/emotionally and even physically, in a way, since talking helped me out, thus preventing me from abusing mi body by staying up all night constantly or going into angry-self-destruct mode. i hope that we never drift or develop fractures in our relationships or anything remotely like that. i'm not saying this right. what i want to express is how much you are to me, but w/o being self-centered. just knowing yalls has been...so...its been a good/big influence. i hope i can give back to you at least a smidgeon of what i get from you.

and in the end...that's what a functional friendship is, right? ppl who understand each other and are there for each other, all the time, or at least more often than not.

Tell me true and answer this one question:

What am I to you?

am feeling somewhat better - am in a good mood. perhaps that has to do with the unintended, short nap that i took during afternoon lab today. also, found a jamba juice gift certificate in mi wallet and was able to get a jamba juice for dinner today (the dorm doesnt serve dinner on sundays, and i was thinking about skipping it anyways in favor of jamba juice). not only that, but spent 20-25 min browsing in barnes today during dinner (jairus was nice and let us have our dinner break from 400 to 530. which was good for me, because i was, unsurprisingly, starving again by the time 330 had rolled around.). and i got to talk to some non-camp people this morning (like...2 something central time...evil time difference) and just now. i have the feeling that im going to be moodswinging at camp. nothing nearly as severe as bipolar, but days where ill be happy and days where ill be melancholy, to put it mildly.

also feel better because am not wearing flipflops anymore. i got nice flipflops right before camp, and the thongs have been chafing mi feet bloody in 5 different places. not good. weather's dismal.

::hugs:: i love you! well, most of you. and especially mi angel O:-)

join the Keep Cat Sane Society and contact me while i'm at camp :-D
otherwise i might go insane and commit crimes, and that would not be good, because the mentally unstable dont seem to do so well in the U.S. legal system.