Learned something yesterday. When you've got awful hay fever, crying isn't a good idea. Your nose goes from being simultaneously stuffy and runny to completely clogged up. That, cominbed with a throat swollen from allergies, creates a slight risk of suffocation. So you gasp for breath while the tears run out of your eyes and you try to stop sobbing long enough to inhale and stop choking and coughing.



The floor creaks, the door squeaks,
There's a field mouse a nibblin' on a broom,
And I sit by myself, like a cobweb on a shelf,
By myself in a lonely room.

But when there's a moon in my window,
And it slants down a beam 'cross my bed,
Then a sadow of a tree starts a dancin' on my wall
And a dream starts a dancin' in my head.

And all the things that I wished fer
Turn out like I want 'em to be,
And I'm better than that smart aleck cowhand
Who think he is better than me.

And the girl that I want ain't afraid of my arms,
And her own soft arms keep me warm.
Then her long yeller hair falls across my face,
Just like the rain in a storm.

The floor creaks, the door squeaks,
And the mouse starts nibblin' on the broom.
Then the sun flicks my eyes, it was all a pack of lies
I'm awake in this lonely room.

I ain't gonna dream of her arms no more,
I ain't gonna leave her alone.
Go on outside, get myself a bride,
Find me a women I can call my own.
~ Lonely Room

I've been crewing for Oklahoma! for the past week, doing follow spot and ushering. In the last 6 days, i've seen the musical 6 and a half times. Tonight's closing night, and I have the feeling that if I ever see Oklahoma! again after tonight, I'll go insane. It's a great musical and the cast is excellent (and apparently indestructible) but nowadays I keep hearing voices singing in my head. Voices which bear a suspicious resemblance to Curly's, Laurey's, or Ado Annie's.

it complains that i don't pay enough attention to it and then it walks right past me without a glance. i'm sick of this...sick of being ignored...sick of EVER trying at all. this pain isn't worth it anymore...BYE. it wouldn't notice; it wouldn't care. so i'm cutting ties with you from this moment on. AU REVOIR (<---note the French...the language that i hate.).

did you feel the mountains tremble
did you hear the oceans roar
when the people rose to sing of
Jesus Christ the Risen One
...
open up the doors and let the music play
let the streets resound with singing
songs that bring Your hope songs that bring Your Joy
dancers who dance upon injustice
...
and here see that God You're moving
a time of jubilee is coming
~ Did You Feel the Mountains Tremble

The song was running through my head. Or at least, the first four lines of it. I don't know what the rest of it sounds like, especially the chorus.

There are images running through my head, images and thoughts, the same images, the same thoughts. Over and over and over and over and over and over again. How do i make it stop? This obsession. i want it to end. is it possible to forcibly pry thoughts out of one's mind and to keep them from ever coming back again? images haunt my mind like an obsession. the same image flashes on the wall of my mind repeatedly, as if the film reel had stopped in a movie theater and the projecter were flickering. the solution is to burn the film. why? why do i think about it so often? the thoughts are my constant companions, invisible ghosts drifting around me wherever i go. is it possible to set a ghost on fire?