Just spent some time writing. Coalesced some of the thoughts, feelings, and observations that have been drifting around in me lately. Unless I want to die soon (after asking someone to run over me), then I'll have to be more positive and somehow push off the atmosphere of negativity that pervades me, floats around me, and follows me everywhere. Must notice the good things in life, the things that make me laugh (hmm, must give up the, erm, interesting emails that make me laugh in a vindictive and sadistic manner, eh brain? no more scary emails for you.), must develop a work ethic. Must find something to live for.

Why am I doing this?

Prolly because I'm sick of being on the edge and not toppling over. And I have responsibilities - things that I need to do, and people.

wheeee it's 2:40 a.m. Pacific Standard by my laptop's clock and I felt like posting.

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no, i'm not any illegal substances. not on many legal substances either - bloody hungry.

I just don't bloody care anymore. I woke up today and everything seemed fine and dandy - i had my reason to live (a new one, brain. well, another one, at least.), Ludi registration was coming in, and work seemed manageable. Now - it's 2:40 a.m. and I'm still up with a paper to write on dusty philosophers and first thing tomorrow - or rather, today - morning I'll have to debate out dusty philosophers with three classmates, one of whom I dearly love but who will be an insufferable git. Grades bloody falling, (not) sleeping at all hours of the day/night, stressed, irritated, in general unable to pull myself together, what's wrong with me?

in a bout of juvenile fun, alex and i decided to make up faces. :-D

[:-) - an angel with its halo hanging on (or off) by a horn. It works better in AIM because the smiley face is actually a smiley face.

@.@ - an original face by me (created a while ago), it indicates rolling eyes and is shorthand for ::rolls eyes::.

#.0 - horribly physically injured face (# = black eye or maybe a bandage over an eye.)

%.% - jocari window face, alien face, four-eyed face, split personality face.

_._ - sulking face (don't know how this equates with sulking, ask Alex

-.- - sleepy, bored. According to Alex, it's Asian.

#.0 - romanian face (huge eyes but one is blackened after the 'Asian face' that he made.)

&.& - drugged face

Due to the great 'Has Cat Gotten Drunk?' / 'Could You See Cat Getting Drunk?' discussions and the various responses to those questions, I asked one of my friends if I come across as a good girl. You know, a straitlaced, nerdy, academic little goody two-shoes.

His response: no, you don't really come across as a good girl, just a strange and perhaps slightly insane one, and sadistic to boot. but that's ok, i guess... and you should feel right at home among all of your insane friends.

::laffs:: Not quite sure if he was the best person to ask, as he has seen my Darker Side (translate: has heard and seen me in various stages ranging from raging mad to drop-dead exhausted to hyperactive), heard my various plots to kill people, and been treated to discussions on the positive value of scars. I was more wondering on the general impression that people who know me, but do not know me well, get of me. Am I a good girl? Anyone who reads this blog probably is not qualified to answer this question anymore, since blog is full of angsting, whining, and general throwing of fits. Hence, they know me somewhat and it's a different me, I've heard, than the one that most people see at school. Blog!Cat is different from the Cat one might see from a distance at school (from a distance = not from the viewpoint of alex, or brain, or the other unfortunates who get to see acerbic!moody!Cat). ;-) Well, Liz is prolly qualified, just because she understands people and would know how uninitiated folks would react to me. ::evil grin::

today was largely unproductive in terms of school and debate work. however, i found a reason to live (albeit a not-very-fluffy-or-cheerful one) and did much work online. updated the format of this blog, set up pages for my ongoing fic writing (read and review!), and did vast amounts of emailing (for the cassie&rhysenn group, brain, and Ludi- and SCRAM- related stuff). Also edited/proofed/wrote many certamen questions for Ludi. Mottoes/Quotes/Abbreviations questions, no less.

assessment of today's labor
blog format:
entailed finding a skin and playing with the code. a lot. previously, this skin looked v. different and had a random cursor flying around the page in a weird combination of sine and cosine curves. said cursor was in the shape of a hand flicking the reader off. you can see it here.

setting up pages for fic:
entailed figuring out that some of the code didn't work in geocities, switching it to a different site, and mostly nitty-gritty tedious work. hey, before today it's been ages since i've played around with a webpage. can't say i'm any good at it, either (cat = in need of 'HTML for Dummies').

emailing:
lots of it was unproductive (e.g. most of the emails to brain and the emails to the cassie&rhysenn yahoo! group). However, some of it was productive (emails related to Ludi and to SCRAM).

certamen questions:
v. productive - pumped out questions for MS1 on M/Q/A (MS1 is a hard level to write for in any subject, just because the amount of material that the Middle School I kids know is v. small. thus, your base of knowledge to write questions on is v. small) and edited and proofed Ivan's questions for MS1. Also did the same for HS1 M/Q/A questions. v. happy with self in this respect, as a) M/Q/A is not my strength in certamen; b) certamen questions desperately need to be pumped out, as Ludi is less than a month away.