mi mind was whirling with hp fanfic related stuff today - this morning at 12-something i was reading the latest chapter of rhysenn's Irresistible Poison, an absolutely amazing harry/draco slash fic, and impishie came out with new, gorgeous artwork of IP!harry, and i've been busy creating ip wallpaper for mi laptop. and i registered on schnoogle (a huge hp fanfic site/group of sites) so that a) i can review; b) i want to put mi fic up there someday. and i want to work on mi fic (::winks at meggie::) but i don't seem to have time for it and i don't know how i can legitimately do it while i'm sleeping/eating so little and dealing with an enormous load of work/debate/ludi/STUFF. then i realized - i have as much time as i make for myself. it's not just about being more efficient with mi time (although that's a good thing), because i have so much to do that simply being efficient won't make mi life much less hectic. it's also about making the time to do what i want, being willing to make sacrifices. if i sleep one less hour to get out a few pages of fic, that's mi choice. i can do as much as i want, i'm not limited by anything.

i want to get mi fic out sometime soon. 'soon' as in before the end of senior year. i don't know where it's going to go, though (i've got a basic, basic, basic plot outline), and i think i should work out some sort of skeleton frame before i continue on, otherwise the story will drag on, and on, and on without getting anywhere. but i need to keep writing - when i'm writing, ideas for the rest of the fic pop into mi head. and it's at such an early stage (both the story and mi progress - i've barely started, and not even an hour has passed in the fic) that all these new ideas can work. :-D.

i'm creating visions. I see you as my best friend, one of them, and I don't know if that was ever true. In fact, I'm sure that it wasn't. I remember the times we didn't talk for months because we didn't know each other and I don't know when we started again. I know we started talking at the end of January, when I picked up your little girl at the airpot and took her for a spin around the city before heading off to dinner in Monterey. I remember when I loved her (is that relevant?). Maybe in my grief I'm creating memories to make my sorrow more important - people exaggerate like this a lot, to receive attention -- how tragic, isn't it, she lost her love that day. it's so sad, the finality of it all. that fight destroyed her, don't you know? doesn't speak anymore, had so much promise. Maybe I'm being too cynical about myself. I do that often - self-mockery, wry self-awareness, over-analyzing useless thoughts and worthless actions and never paying attention to the habits that land me in situations like these.

hmm...this entry is the faex of my mind right now (not literally. i'm sure there's much worse in there.) - im just scribbling it onto a post so that i can burn the piece of paper it's written on so that no one in the house sees it. it's somewhat changed, hence it's along the lines of drivel.