like i said, i get a kick outta these fandom- or hp- related quizzes...::spends half an hour indulging in self by taking random quizzes:: give me a break, it's the weekend, i seriously need to de-stress. today was a quiet day, no pressure, and i'm not falling down dead with fatigue, every minute that i'm awake isn't a battle to keep my eyes open, and i stood in my room and thought, "today is feeling reeaallly weird. what's wrong?"

today's quizzes come from atypically.net

...and which lesser Harry Potter character are you?

the description - You're Gryffindor alumnus Bill Weasley!

You know you're cool when even the kid who defeated Voldemort thinks so. You have a disposition that attracts people to you as friends and allies. And it's not just your outward appearance - under all your coolness, you're smart enough to be Head Boy/Girl, too.

(Your moment of glory - so far, at least - came in Goblet of Fire when Harry Potter declared your undeniable ponytail-wearing cool factor.)

only comment - PERCY AND NEVILLE?! i knew that was a ship, but honestly...i guess the quiz is saying which ship you belong in, not which slash pairing is your favorite (draco/harry - which happens because there's such an interesting dynamic between them, and most of my favorite authors happen to write h/d.).

hmm. problem...h/hr isn't my favorite het pairing (i started reading DT back in the beginning of my obsession with the hp fandom and i was much more attached to canon than i am now, and mi feelings in DT that h/hr is not canon, hr/r is a much more canon-ish pairing.). i don't like it much, a holdover from earlier days, but Ebony and Jana write it v. v. well.

your scent's faded from my sweater, perhaps because of the passing of time, perhaps because i keep a box of soap in my closet. the soap's an attempt to make my clothes smell clean, fresh, and less musty. i was tired yesterday and i was curious as to whether or not my sweater was still clinging to your smell -- being able to wrap your scent around me dissipates some of the pain of fatigue mixed with stress -- and the heap of cloth was nothing special. no hint of a fragrance foreign to my closet, no tangible trigger to conjure up memories of you. when your scent is in the air, i recognize it and it triggers sense-memories (and -dreams) and it's like being wrapped up in someone's warm arms.

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this has to be one of the soppiest entries i've written. ::goes off to make use of vomitorium:: what dyou think?

have remembered one of the things that i wanted to post about, and it's not meaningful after all. au contraire, it was supposed to be a fluffy, perhaps humorous, piece, after all the whining that my latest posts have been, but the content would still be related to those posts. speaking of which, i have to edit those posts so that they're somewhat more coherent and understandable. this was sparked by a discussion i had with a friend regarding the Oct. 21, 2002 post on non-policy debaters going out with policy folks.

from the 10.21.02 entry:
don't think that it'd work out to go out with someone who's not a policy debater, though, just because policy debate is so time-consuming and such an obsession...non-policy people have a hard time understanding why their SOs [significant others] are spending hours and hours cutting files or weeks at camps or consecutive weekends out of town for tournaments. when it comes to debate and SOs...the SO loses out. which is as it should be...;-)

friend's comment:
i think more people would understand your putting debate over an SO than you might expect. you'd just have to find a person who can understand obsessions that take precedence over everything. being one of those people...i'm not really in a position to judge how many people are like that, though.

many people have obsessions, but policy debate constitutes a unique subculture in itself. It's a realm with its own discourse, its own practices, and it's based around an intense activity and to some extent it's an extremely elitist world. If you don't understand what's going on, you're shut out. It may not be intentional, but if a person doesn't comprehend what's happening or the basic parts of the policy world (resolution, case, 2NR, 2AR, kritik, disad, conditionality good, etc.), then s/he will be lost, both during the rounds and during the rest of the time. because unlike LDers and speechies, policy people talk about policy during their free time. I've heard this from speechies and LDers and witnessed it myself - at stanford during the speech camp i had lunch now and then with a table full of IErs and the discussions never once touched on speech-related subjects. whereas at debate camp, policy always came up -- arguing about the resolution, about cases, about rounds, and discussion of stuff related to the policy world, such as who's going to be the top competition this year on the circuit and old war stories. this was during lunch, at night in the dorms, while walking from lab to lunch or lecture, or while calling friends while at debate camp. and it happened all the camps i've been to - stanford, kentucky, stanford, and UT.

furthermore, like any other subculture, policy has its own practices. Spreading is a case in point. To anyone who's not a policy person (and to many who are), spreading is incomprehensible, stupid, and the opposite of what 'debate should be about' (which i take to mean eloquence, oratory, and rhetoric.). for policy - it's not necessary, prolly, but it definitely makes debates much more vigorous, fast-paced, demanding, and exciting. i've done slow debates before, unfortunately, and i hated the experience. it's frustrating, the critical analysis and refutation of arguments isn't there, and it's more about presentation than in-depth argumentation and ripping people to shreds (or being ripped to shreds) on issues. if you want debate that's oratorical and more like public speaking, go do Parli or LD or Congress or JSA. there are already forums for rhetoric-based debates, and thank goodness policy isn't always one of them. policy rounds can be displays of extravagant locution, as opposed to actual on-point debate - local tournaments, league tournaments, and the finals of Emory fall into this category, and from what i've heard, UIL tournaments do as well (if my take on UIL is incorrect, please tell me.) - and when they are, it's frustrating and horrible.

hence, because of the nature of policy as being this subculture that's largely impenetrable to outsiders, it's hard for a non-policy debater to go out with a policy debater. furthermore, people are selfish, and they want attention to be paid to them. Unfortunately, policy takes up an enormous amount of time, just for tournaments, practice rounds, cutting files, and sheer work, and it's hard for non-policy people to see why their SOs are spending so much time with tubs, files, and debate partners. never having gone out with anyone, i wouldn't be able to speak with experience, but based on observations of my school's team, policy seems to take up as much time as an SO (again, please correct me if i'm wrong.).

to provide examples of what exactly it's like to go out with policy folks, i wrote the following conversations. yes, they're not real, in that i didn't cut-and-paste the text from an IM box or a transcript of listening to debaters and their SOs; however, they're based on conversations between policy debaters and their SOs.

Conversation #1, a policy debater and his/her significant other Try To Make A Date
this one is heavily based on real conversations that i've been privy to.

SO: so, what're you doing next weekend?
debater: eh, i'm at berkeley...
SO: oh. a tournament?
debater: yeah!
SO: didn't you have one last weekend?
debater: yep. berkeley's gonna be so awesome, though...it's 8 prelim rounds, not just 6!
SO: um...you do realize what's next weekend?
debater: the Cal tournament. didn't i just tell you that?
SO: no...
debater: then what is it?
SO: OUR FUCKING HALF-YEAR ANNIVERSARY!!!
SO: AND MY 16TH BIRTHDAY!!!
debater: oh...oops. well, happy birthday! i'll try to call you or something at night after the tournament on saturday, then, k?
SO: ...
SO: ... you said we'd go do something special on my birthday...
debater: ::shrugs philosophically:: eh...i'm really, really sorry...look, i'll make it up to you somehow, k?
SO: you said that last weekend when you cancelled our date for the stanford tournament. and when you cancelled our four-month anniversary for the emory tournament, and all those other times to do practice rounds, and to cut files...
debater: well, i really, really mean it this time...i honestly didn't mean for stuff to keep coming up...
SO: and then we were supposed to spend New Year's together but you said that you couldn't take the time off because you had to prep for MBA...
SO: YOU SPEND MORE TIME WITH YOUR FRICKIN DEBATE TUBS AND YOUR STUPID FILES THAN YOU DO WITH ME, DAMN IT!!!
::SO storms off, leaving debater looking puzzled. debater shrugs and walks back to cut some more files::

#2
this is an actual quote, more or less.
debater: oh...the coffee house on saturday night? Yeah, i guess i can go if i do really badly and don't make it to elims at the tournament this weekend, but hopefully i'll break to elims and i'll be debating the whole weekend long!!! i'll let you know what's happening like...7 p.m. saturday night, k?

^-- that did not make the girlfriend too happy, to state the obvious (and yes, that was a real line that someone said to his SO).

#3
a commonly heard line. 'cathhhhh s/he's spending more time with his/her debate tubs than s/he is with me! s/he loves debate more than s/he loves me! ::hysterical sobbing::' line that i've heard from random SOs of debaters. @.@ case in point - SOs don't understand how debaters spend so much time with their tubs.




policy/nonpolicy matches are hard on the debater, as well, because part of the pleasures of going out with someone are, i'm assuming, being able to talk to them (unless you're in it purely for the sex and the snogs). not being able to talk about debate because it requires an enormous amount of explanation and you have to have done it to truly understand it, is horrible. one thing that i hate about coming back from camps or tournaments is that there's NO ONE around to talk to about debate - no one to vent to about how illegit and interventionist that last decision at st. mark's was, no one to argue with about the merits of MHCT versus holism, no one to bounce ideas for answers to krishna off of, no one to drool over the kothari '93 card with. especially that last one - show a good K card to a non-policy person, and aside from the fact that most of them won't understand why the card has 'orgasmic' and eight stars next to it in the margins, they'll stare and ask a) what the hell is 'coalition-based antipolitical antihistorical'; b) why are you reading weirdo stuff like this?

something else just occurred to me - debate partners spend a LOT of time with each other, when you count the tournaments, the camps, the practice rounds, etc. so potentially an SO could get jealous of the policy person's partner - something along the line of, say,

SO: Bob...you're spending an awful lot of time with Sally, lately.
Bob: Sally's my debate partner and we have a tournament this weekend.
SO: you're spending a lot of time with him, possibly more than you are with me...
Bob: ::rolls eyes:: look, there's NOTHING between me and Sally, ok? Sheesh, you're so paranoid!

or

SO: how come sally gets so much more of your time than i do?? ::wails::
Bob: cuz he's my debate partner and we have a tournament this weekend...




these are only my views on debaters/nondebaters going out; if you're a policy person and you have a perfectly functional relationship with someone who has not, at any time, ever had any contact with the policy/speech/LD world outside of you, props to you (and tell me how you manage it). these views are based on a) mi understanding of people; b) hours and hours of listening to the non-policy SOs and ex-SOs of policy debaters rant about their dysfunctional relationships. They are only my views, and feel free to disagree or agree with them and to express your opinions to me (that's why there are nice links at the top of the page for emailing and IMing me), but please NO FLAMES - attack the ideas expressed herein, not the author.

i was going to post something meaningful, either about my religious shifts or something else that i've forgotten, but tonight i have to pump out college essays and am going to indulge in some freewriting for Tangled Webs (makes note to self - have got to find a better title than that.).

these internet quizzes are somewhat lame, somewhat funny, and definitely amusing for a laugh:


What's your inner fangirl? Take the test!

::shakes head:: i'd like to think that, but i'm not sure how accurate it is ::recalling time when received an IM from Abaddon and almost exploded from sheer thrill of it.:: i've been told that i can give constructive criticism, though, so maybe that's it. and giving those 'EEEEE!!! your fic is SO GOOD!! I LUV IT! there's, like, SO nothing wrong with it at all, it's PERFECT!' reviews (or reading them when other people have posted on a forum) make me slightly sick. for the record, i've never been guilty of a purely squee-ing review, which is good, because otherwise i'd have to kill myself for the shame of it.

10.23.02
Wednesday
3:33 A.M. PST

This year's personal theme ought to be Mens vincit ______[insert object]. For two weeks I was obsessed with the idea of ignoring pain, ignoring the body - mens fortis corpus infirmum vincit. Mind over matter was my motto, and I wanted my will to overcome frail flesh. The body is weak. In striving for perfection, weakness must be trampled or accepted and pushed aside as a negligible consideration. I love the idea of the brain working unimpeded no matter what the cries of the body are.

Now, I'm being a silly fluff bit of a twit again and for reasons that I thought were behind me. I admit it, I've fallen for someone. However, it's something that won't work out, due to circumstances and because I'm me. 'Me' being not exactly the type of person for romance or snogs or much time to dedicate to anyone that's not a Ludi chair, family member, therapist, or debate partner. I don't have the time to spare for anyone and won't, most likely, until summer vacation hits. Unless the person in question got transfigured into a Calculus textbook or my laptop, I highly doubt that I'd see much of him and communication and time together is essential to any relationship. I can't afford the distraction, either. So what do I do? Write a few cryptic, angsty blog entries to release my feelings somewhat and spend my shower time trying to be rational, reasonable, practical. Analyzing my feelings and coming to conclusions. This is just a passing fancy, again...I don't like him, I only want a random person to snog now and then to distract me from life...This is simple infatuation, nothing more, get over it, you prat. My rational self is constantly taking a hard look at my emotional self. It never lets up, even though it tires of this job now and then because it's a repetitive, monotonous job, always the same routine - wake Cat up to reality, make Cat realize that the reality of her infatuation is pointless, make Cat snap out of it somehow. It's more mind over matter, only in this case it's the rational part of my personality telling the emotional part to quit whining about being lonely and to sodd off. There's a quote from Trouble In Paradise Chapter 5 that's on my laptop: Contrary to popular belief, I have a heart--I just don't let it overrule the dictates of my head. That's what I'm trying to do, now. The mind conquers all, both the infirmities and limits of the flesh and the tendency of the emotions to rove around and latch onto objects and people.

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Yes, I realize that this entry sounds like the writing of a self-centered twat. However, I only know my perspective and don't want to think about his because that would require thinking too much about him, and trying to slip into his mind, which is something that I'm not willing to do. If anything, I should do the opposite.

i was looking at you recently and i saw you again for the first time in...ages. you looked so damn sexy...arghhhhh. someone shoot me. now. please. or if you're a bleeding responsible type of person, leave it till november 25 - ludi will be done by then, so will GBN (tournament's already been paid for), and i'll be in mi majority, therefore you can shoot me guilt-free. oh, and it'd be a lovely thing to go out after GBN...::grimaces at the thought:: GBN's going to be bloody wonderful, i can tell already. ugh. on second thought, someone shoot me say, nov. 13...that gives me time to finish ludi and finish cleaning up and organizing everything in its aftermath, and i won't have to go to GBN.

have i ever been mad at you? wait...stupid question...yes. on my own behalf and of my own volition, i mean, not on account of anyone else. definitely a yes.

to the point where i was pondering falling out of a window - after all, i was sitting on the sill and all i had to do was lean forward - until someone appeared below it [his presence made me stay on the sill - he could've caught me, defeating the purpose of taking a header.]

wow...i've found three compelling reasons to live within the last six days. one's questioning and searching for answers, another's intellectual, and the last and most recent one...it's enough to make me go hide in my bedroom and never, ever come out again. just sit in bed with my blanket, curled up around a pillow with my eyes clamped shut and glasses cast aside. remembering. one day, simply slipping away, disappearing into memories and forgotten. passed away like a ghost, a whisper on a windy day in the clouds.

how can this be happening? i thought that the one word that could be applied to my fixation on you was fin. when it was over and i emerged from the muddy pools of my obsession (muddy because i didn't know what i wanted and was confused as to my feelings regarding you), i thought that i'd deceived myself as usual, that i hadn't genuinely been attracted in a non-Platonic way. But why, then, have the old thoughts started clamoring in my head again? i was done with thinking about you.

it's quite easy to figure out, actually - it's your touch, the sensation of physical contact. oftentimes i don't like it, but like any animal, i need it. your touch - it never fails.

at least i'm not thinking about blades, this time. i don't play with knives while sitting in bed - in bed so that i don't mar the new, off-white carpet with bloodstains - anymore. although, to be honest, although i can't clearly remember, i believe that i started fantasizing about steel cutting ribbons of air between previously impenetrable flesh after i woke up from mi delusions about you. those thoughts of drawing blood patterns (delicate tracery of curves in coppery-scented red) along the flesh of my arms were related to the rest of my life, not so much about you.

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draco: What did you smell?
harry: Just you, of course. Your--...your smell.
- Aja, Laundry
Laundry isn't a particularly good ficlet and is not indicative of Aja's skill as a writer, but the image that the story's focused on - intimacy, of recognizing another's scent - makes me smile. and it's particularly apt today --

but i've always identified it. aya told me back when we were in...middle school? primary?...that each person has a distinctive smell and she could recognize people by the way that they smelled. i know only two people who have distinguishable scents that are theirs and theirs alone. no one else's is constantly noticeable and unchanging over the years. and --

i don't know why, but my shirt smells like you. was stripping in my room in order to get out of my school clothes and into a pair of comfy, worn pair of pants and a t-shirt. while i was pulling my sweater off, i noticed its scent. not me. not anything like me. you.

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::yawn:: bloody 12:20 a.m. and i'm posting on mi blog because i'm a sodding twit. oof, tired.

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have fun reading this...i'm sure it doesn't make a whole lotta sense (it's not intended to; while my blog is a place for me to write, i do realize people read it now and again. but i need a place to vent all sorts of stuff.). tell me what you think ;-), and don't worry - i've been told before that i'm certifiable, so if that's your response to this post (for whatever reason...and there are plenty...), then be my guest to IM me and say so.

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[edited 2:00 a.m. Saturday 10.26.02]

haven't done this in ages...some quotes i like...

For in politics, as in religion, it is equally absurd to aim at making proselytes by fire and sword. Heresies in either can rarely be cured by persecution. - Publius, Federalist Papers #1

jealousy is the usual concomitant of violent love, and that the noble enthusiasm of liberty is too apt to be infected with a spirit of narrow and illiberal distrust. - Publius, Federalist Papers #1

Always remember the look in people's eyes when they realize who you are. Cherish that look. It means you're safe. - Ailei, Always

Always remember what you are...always remember what you have to do...always remember that love is like a dream of flying, one that always ends with your soul shattered on the rocks. - Ailei, Always

hahaha...

I have issues with...

health submission walls travel domination

Take Word Association Test

yes...i have issues with walls (metaphorical and literal), domination (it's either lead them with force or submit, no middle ground), and health (or lack thereof.).

dunno how accurate this is, but sure...

How Much of a Slash Fan are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

all the slash i read is limited to the harry potter fandom, primarily because that's the only fandom i've read (aside from one of rhysenn's LotR fics). don't have an LJ yet ::boohoo:: and am rapidly joining lists...wheee. interestingly enough, i read more slash than het. a LOT more - the proportion's probably 95% slash, 5% het, and the only het that (i read that) i can think of off the top of mi head is the Draco Trilogy by Cassie and Coming of Age by Frances...perhaps that's influenced by the fact that mi favorite hp sites, aside from fictionalley, are slash...i.e. PSA and PM.

Came back from st. mark's yesterday night. didn't get home until 12:00 a.m. this morning, if not later. horribly dead tired, with enormous load of work to be doing - hw, college apps, debate, and Ludi. and on top of all of that, at 2:00 a.m. i get this demand:

felix: update your blog!

mind you, it's two bloody A.M. after a weekend of minimal sleep (worse than i've ever done before). and yet, i'm hearing lines such as:

felix: update your blog!
felix: English hw can't be the last thing i read before i go to sleep. it's so un-felix-like.
felix: so update your blog so i can read it!

@.@ some people are so very selfish...but i will update mi blog, just for fifi. it'll be a mindless entry.


after st. mark's a discussion came up re: the practicality of being debate partners with your SO (significant other). it came up in the context of possible debate partners for one of the novices on the team.

alex: i'd never be debate partners with anyone i'd go out with
cat: duh...she's an LDer*
alex: well, besides that. i mean, it wouldn't work!
alex: i'd be kissing them and in the back of my mind i'd be thinking about how she spreads or 'you did terrible in that last round' or something.
cat: ::stares at alex::
::silence::
::silence::
alex: but maybe that's just me...
cat: ::nodnod:: i think so, iftimie.

granted, it's all a moot point for me because it doesn't look like i'll be acquiring an SO anytime soon, be he mi future debate partner in college or not. hmm. i agree - it's not a good idea to go out with your debate partner, just because that's spending way too much time with one person, though, not because of alex's reasons (he's a dork. a unique dork, at that.). don't think that it'd work out to go out with someone who's not a policy debater, though, just because policy debate is so time-consuming and such an obsession...non-policy people have a hard time understanding why their SOs are spending hours and hours cutting files or weeks at camps or consecutive weekends out of town for tournaments. when it comes to debate and SOs...the SO loses out. which is as it should be...;-)

*alex's current SO is an LDer. hence, he couldn't be debate partners with her unless she switched to policy (and moved).