wow...today's got the longest post ever, mainly because i posted a few times...once early this morning (i.e. last night, but technically this morning), then during the day, and now. i'm a dork. well...here goes.

what i did today

grossly overslept
learned that i have trouble lighting matches
learned that paper burns better/longer when you roll it up
burned some papers on the driveway
panicked - thought the burning papers might set some of the weeds in the driveway cracks on fire
exercised
got good advice on exercising
ate way more than i should have (and given miself a big stomachache)
got reminded by mom that i wont fit into dress if i keep eating like this
re-centered miself
got pissed
swore a few times
got some good advice on self-mutilation
got some good advice on burning papers
harbored two refugees in need of shelter for one hour (i.e. two friends, who are going out, needed a place to hang and couldn't go home because her parents would kill him)
got told that i have a pretty voice (yay! yay! yay! would that it were really, really true.)

what i didn't do

study
keep away from junk food
exercise enough
keep ahold of temper and of mouth
hw
anything remotely productive/good/'useful'/'sensible'
play piano (drat!)

upshot of today: i love you, meghan and lizbeth!

number of people who have asked me if i'm ok: 3 or 4 (it's disturbing when one of those people is yourself)
number of times people have asked me if i'm ok: repeatedly. can't remember.
how long it took me to figure out why people are asking me if i'm ok: 3 hours (ok, ok, so i'm a little slow...but i get there eventually! :-) )

did i ever tell you
i like playing with fire?
the flames of a hot january?
even a water-elemental like me
wants to toast and scorch
and boil away her skin
until there is nothing left
only the memorys of thoughts

yes, yes, i mean memorys, not memories. hmm...poetic inspiration has certainly died out. that spark is so rare :P. ah, wells. you know, the above little blurb definitely isn't an example of this, but...i've found that one can only write poetry (good poetry) when you bleed. spit up blood from your lungs, from your throat, weep it from your palms, have it seep around through your body from an internal injury until you're nothing except a bag of blood. then you can write.

mi attempts to do the above a little more physically have failed...couldn't cut deeply enough to make the blood flow from mi arm, and didn't want to risk cutting deeper for fear of severing something important (e.g. something along the lines of a tendon or a vein or whatever).

starsiren9: hmms want some advice?
starsiren9: only cut across, never along your arm, to avoid tearing muscles
seIReneA: like...as in bracelet-style?
starsiren9: yup

note: have revised what ideal Significant Other is. that notion just got trashed. again. hmm...and i like meggie's advice...it's what you make of a relationship that matters, not so much whether or not there is someone who is Just Right For You.

::sigh:: i respect your views (ok, i don't respect them in that i completely disagree with them and don't give them much merit whatsoever. however, i do leave them up to you. i think. if i don't, pls tell me.). WHY CAN'T YOU RESPECT MINE?!

On plus side of things, went shopping today - dropped by Barnes & Noble, got book, went to used bookstore, got books. Very happy with used bookstore books - got a copy of a long-searched-for fantasy novel and Friedan's Feminine Mystique, which i've also wanted for quite a while but never acquired.

this hurts...you make me mad...why can't you understand? or at least respect mi right to have mi own views, without trying to change them? i TRY to do the same for you (i.e. not protest or claim that you're wrong when you make a personal-view-ish statement which i disagree with). and now...when we dont talk...then i feel awful. ::sigh::