this time...i'm determined to write. i have to write. i haven't written in 6 days, and the energy is eating away at me. no, it's not really eating away at me, but i feel disturbed and roiling. i've been attempting to write for the last 3 days, but i've failed every time. this time, i have to focus. i will focus, i will concentrate. otherwise, all the thoughts crashing around in me are going to slowly break me apart, just as the ocean's waves slowly wear down the rocks they break against.

mi options tonight are to write more about dreams, or to keep on writing about mi thoughts and breaking apart. since the latter is foremost in mi mind at the moment, seeing as how the intro-type bit to this post is about the thoughts and waves, i'll continue with that.

thoughts, self-recriminations, passion, love, confusion, frustration. ugh, that sounds like such a cliched piece of trite trash. not a good way to start off. im trying to describe what i feel like inside. emotionally, not anatomically, i feel as if i'm a hollow shell--there's a physical frame and an exterior appearance, but inside the human-shaped shell are mi raw feelings. imagine crimson-purple, maroon-stained tides sloshing around inside that shell. they're mi roiling thoughts, my assorted longings and they slam into the walls of the shell. They keep up that pressure, and soon the shell's going to start wearing down, until light beams will be able to make their way, creating fractured patterns visible from the inside of mi body. conversely, the tides of mi frustrations and caged emotions will be able to seep out and leak out.

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dang, i don't like the way this entry went. it became one of those generic doom-prophesying things, yknow, one of those 'and the poor kid's pent up feelingst just kept building up until she went ::crack:: and exploded.' ugh. not where i wanted it to go. wanted it to be more focused on the ideas that the waves keep wearing at the walls. Or maybe not that, i wanted it to focus on the constant turbulence of the waves which are mi thoughts, feelings, and desires. the waves keep crashing into each other, battling, and thrashing about. well, now i've started writing again; maybe i can fix this tomorrow.

mi lip cracked today and i tasted blood. haven't tasted it for a long time, had forgotten how sharp it is. i didn't realize that it was dribbling from mi lip until i detected it on mi tongue. sharp, coppery, and iron-y. dizzying, spicy, but also sickening when i've had too much of it. 's a pity that i can't stand the pain of bloodletting.

song of the day: You Only Live Twice ~ singer: Nancy Sinatra. lyrics: Leslie Bricusse.

You only live twice or so it seems,
One life for yourself and one for your dreams.
You drift through the years and life seems tame,
Till one dream appears and love is its name.

And love is a stranger who'll beckon you on,
Don't think of the danger or the stranger is gone.

This dream is for you, so pay the price.
Make one dream come true, you only live twice.

And love is a stranger who'll beckon you on,
Don't think of the danger or the stranger is gone.

This dream is for you, so pay the price.
Make one dream come true, you only live twice.

oh crud...gotta go chop up the cantaloupe...uraghmw.

will work on the list of what i learned during mi junior year of high school ('this year' refers to late august 2001-v. beginning of june 2002, not the calendar year) as inspiration hits me.

::sigh:: rae's leading a trip for ppl, mainly dance troupers, to go to sea ranch for a week. was invited along and thought that it would be v. cool. mom's allowing me to go on one condition...and here's what it was:


I, Catherine Y. Kim, do hereby promise that I will go to Senior Prom next year without complaining. Even if I do not have a date, I will go. I will take that as an option [to go with mi own charming and lovely self] and reserve the right to reject any suggstions from friends and family members.

Catherine Y. Kim [signature] 06.02.02

it's a contract that i'll go to SP without complainining. this is what i've subjected miself to...mom wanted to strike part between the end of the first sentence and the signature, but no way -- i refuse to give up mi right to decide who i will/won't go with, if anyone at all (even though they may have the best of intents, some of mi friends and mi parents have horrific ideas.). someone save me, please. already rejected two of mom's suggestions for dates. just for those of yalls who need a laugh (since humor is a precious scarce commodity nowadays), i'll tell you who her next suggestion was:

clue #1: azn
clue #2: teddy bear thief
clue #3: has a really long address
clue #4: our Most Esteemed CJCL Board President for 2002-2003 and was our Almost-As-Esteemed CJCL Convention President for 2001-2002 (hey, the con prez is always esteemed less than the board prez, right? ::grin:: )

yes...Kevin Lau.

people find that idea hilarious...here...i will post the various reactions i get, if any, starting with the very first one:

kevin's older sibling: KEVIN? HAHAHAHA. You want MY BROTHER to go with you to Prom?????

one can already see that this is a highly unlikely prospect, even if the Esteemed Board President were not already attached. wait...then again, maybe not, if the following reactions are any sign:

a rather longer reaction:

vivian: HAHA!!!!
vivian: funny funny funnyy!!
vivian: if it was me, i wouldn't be laughing
vivian: but even roanna went to her sp
vivian: KEVIN?? eee!!!
vivian: i think u'd have fun w/ him
::much time passes::
vivian: (can't get over ur contract w/ ur mom)
vivian: ::dances in wicked delight::
vivian: i want pics!!! lotsa lotsa lotsa pics ::clapping hands::
vivian: u'll have lotsa fun
vivian: i think u should take tim, but he'll be gone by then

HJCL head honcho: ahahaha
HJCL head honcho: i think it would be kewl
HJCL head honcho: to go with kevin
HJCL head honcho: it would be fun

HJCL vice-head honcho: hahahahahaha!!!
HJCL vice-head honcho: well, cathy you can always go with TIM if you don't like Kevin..
HJCL vice-head honcho: but, yay! you're coming to prom!
HJCL vice-head honcho: hahahaha..it's too funny!

sridhar: hahahahaahaaahh kevin!!!!! you guys would be funny together =D jus make him dress all ghetto for S(letter after o dont work =(]

CJCL Parliamentarian: (falls over laughing)
CJCL Parliamentarian: looks like i'll have to find another prom date for next year

and possibly the most level-headed opinion yet:

mark: I'm sure he'd be cool with it
mark: it's a bit early asking him
mark: heh
mark: one year early
mark: but it's cool
mark: is he up to it?

reactions from people who do not know kev (and are therefore reacting to the contract that i made w/mi parent):

beloved debate partner: hahahahahahaha
beloved debate partner: hahahaha
beloved debate partner: HAHAHA

fifi: is that contract real?
fifi: she made you write it?
fifi: this is the weirdest azn parent ive met

casey: go cathy!
casey: going to SP :)

ann: ::laughs hysterically for at least 5 minutes and then demands a copy of the contract::
(ann actually saw the contract...she came over the other day, saw it on the fridge, read it, and began laffing.)

meggie: oh
meggie: lol
meggie: you have very interesting parents, dear
meggie: is kevin tim's brother?
meggie: kev sounds like a decent prom date
::time passes::
meggie: college exams end may 19
meggie: so make your prom after that
meggie: cuz i claim the right to help with your primping
meggie: i also claim right to meet your SP date

and...of course...the reaction from kev himself...

kev: my response = "what?"
kev: and another thing. "me = attached"? ha!

hey, kev, if yalls want i'll take this down. just tell me.

now that junior year's nearly done (i only have four hours left of it), i spose i should do some sort of memorial...

what i learned this year

if you know that you can slack off and get along fine, you will slack off (hence, the tendency to start writing history papers the night before they're due and to finish them during lunch)
there are headaches that not even tylenol can cure
things don't turn out how you expect them to. people change. your friends change and your list of friends changes. the things that i thought would happen didnt.
significant amounts of the script of Oklahoma! (both songs and dialogue)
interesting things to do with alcohol, paper, and matches
the proper way to let out blood
value of writing

wow...on just four hours of sleep, and the day after prom and a math competition in sjc, The Meaniehead is still in fine form:

me: ::clunk:: <-- that was cat's head falling down and hitting the table
Meaniehead: That sound seems pleasant.

and never was a truer word spoken:

Meaniehead: Am not a masochist, though I like to be sadistic.

song of the day: all i really want ~ alanis morisette

Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance

Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker
And I am fascinated by the spiritual [one]
I am humbled by [one's] humble nature

What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred

Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around...all around

Why are you so petrified of silence
Here can you handle this?
Did you think about your bills, you ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need now is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer

All I really want is some peace man
A place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice...

i like the song...i spose. i like the most a section of the lyrics--the rest is alright but not as appealing:

What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred

yes, yes, i realize im pathetic... ;-)